Corona Diaries: Week 9 and 10

Week 9

Also 10.

Because whoops. I ran away last week. And it was glorious. 

I wasn’t sure if we should leave, given the way of the Corona these days. But we ran away to the countryside of wine vines and closed tasting rooms so it seemed like a safe bet. I packed up the bathing suits and the dog bed and the school supplies and off we went, up the 101 and into the magical valley of Santa Ynez. 

I can’t count the number of times I’ve been up there, just inland of Santa Barbara, up and around a mountain pass, for those not in the know. It has always brought me such peace to take the 154 exit and begin the curvy ascent towards picturesque bliss. Once upon a long time ago, I got married up in that land and I remember wondering after I got divorced if the place would feel the same or if it had been poisoned by memories past. It took but just one trip to be reminded that although the valley is the holder of all those memories, the land is so vast it leaves you begging to give it more. So give it more I have done. 

Having been sheltering in place for ten weeks, I had almost forgotten what it felt like to pack a suitcase (exhilarating), fill the car with gas (exciting because it was so cheap) ((well, cheap for California)), and yell at the kids to make sure they don’t forget shoes. (Because they quite literally never wear shoes anymore.) I was filled with joy simply at the prospect of driving on the open road for two hours that it mattered none if there was traffic. (There wasn’t.) 

I have to say it was a strange feeling to be away from home in the middle of what’s supposed to be a school week. While it was a huge relief to have a change of scenery, especially such a comforting, beautiful one, it was also a stark reminder of the times. Each morning as the kids logged on to school, I’d think-oh yeah; they’re supposed to be at school right now. Oh yeah; they’re supposed to be playing a baseball game tonight. Oh yeah; this still sucks. We’re all supposed to be doing so many other things. And instead, this strange time has brought me to this vast land, holder of memories past and present, on a Monday afternoon on a week in which we had so many other plans, so many other memories we were supposed to be creating. I fluctuated between gratitude and anger; frustration and contentment. Even now, hot tears fill my eyes as I mourn all the things that were missed, that will be missed, that may always be missed. 

I came home to a city that is desperate to trickle back into normalcy. With the beaches finally open, we’ve already been a handful of times. We flock there because it lets us feel that sense of normalcy. We flock there because it comforts us. We flock there so we can sit six feet apart and share a cocktail and a laugh and forget for just a little bit about all that we are missing. Our vast beach, holder of memories, always waiting to help soften our fall; the tide pulling our eyes and our ears and our feet to it’s shore, clinging to the only thing that feels familiar in this unfamiliar experience. 

We have a few more weeks of school left and then I suppose it’s summer. Whatever that means. I, like so many, had to cancel a pretty special trip I’ve been saving for for a pretty long time so summer suddenly seems pretty wide open. Hours upon days upon weeks upon months of wide open time. But who knows? Maybe we’ll pack up our suitcases, gas up the car, grab our shoes and drive down a new road to some vast land somewhere that is simply waiting for us so it can hold our memories.

Maybe…just maybe…we’ll get to run away again. 

And once again, it shall be glorious. 

Corona Diaries: Week 8

Week 8

I’m bored.

Everybody’s bored.

We’re so bored of doing the stuff we usually do when we’re bored. We’re so bored we don’t remember the stuff we did when we were bored before. We’re so bored we’re too bored to do anything except talk about how bored we are. Sometimes we’re even too bored to talk about how bored we are so we just sort of make eye contact and shrug and understand that we’re bored. 

There is a lethargy creeping upon our bodies, slowly suffocating our will to move. Even the most mundane things, like folding those towels that have been sitting in the basket for two days, are beginning to feel like a momentous task. Yes I know it will only take me two minutes to do it, but I just don’t want to. Because I’m too bored to do anything anymore. 

And now that things are allegedly going to start opening up again, I can’t help but wonder…am I going to remember how to do stuff again? And am I even going to want to?  Because let’s face it; we still really shouldn’t be dashing out the door to congregate; there are still no sports or extracurricular actives for the kids; there’s not a whole lot of reasons to be running around town searching for some normalcy. We still have many weeks of wide open, long days ahead of us. And if I can’t even take my damn towel to sit on the sand as I watch my kids in the ocean, can we even go to the beach? And if we do go to the beach, are all those psychos on Nextdoor going to be stalking everyone with their nifty camera phones and keyboard warrior fingers? 

I used to be so good at being bored. I was a child of the 80’s and 90’s; we were created to survive boredom. We came home to houses empty of parents after school and watched one episode of The Brady Bunch before there was nothing on so we just wandered outside and maybe spotted a neighbor kid and rode bikes aimlessly until dinner. We filled thousands of summer hours with nothing to do expect our daily chores and watch the clouds drift by as our imaginations wandered the world while we laid with our backs pressed against the scratchy grass. As I grew older and left home and moved to cities where I was a stranger to it and everyone, I filled my time with solo trips to the movies and the bookstores and sometimes long walks through Target. (For the record-still all my favorite things to do alone.)  And then I had babies and I was home with them and though no one can prepare you for the isolation and loneliness that go hand in hand with being a stay at home parent, we eventually found our little ways to keep our long, groundhog days full. 

But my brain is so tired now. My brain got so tired of trying not to be bored of being bored I think it shut off; the lack of activity sending a signal that said, okay. We got her. She’s done. Shut this baby down and run her on autopilot. Wake up. Work out. Start school. Walk dog. Clean house. Make food. Wake up. Work out. Start school. Walk dog. Clean house. Make food. Each day crawling by with the hands of the clock ticking as if covered in molasses. 

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I bear no brunt that is greater than someone else’s. My situation comparatively is fortunate to many others and I don’t forget the sacrifices so many are making. But I think I speak for all of mankind when I say: I’m done. Please we promise to be good can we please be done? Pretty pretty pretty please? With a cherry-printed mask on top?

I can’t think ahead to fall and the idea that we may still have to distance learn. I can’t think ahead to the summer weeks when the days will still be stretched out long before us with limited activities to entertain us. I can’t think ahead to next week, wondering if it’s okay to try and leave on a three day weekend or is that just stupid and selfish?  I can barely think ahead to tomorrow when I might try and go to the car wash because it sounds nice to have something “normal” to do again. I’ll just be here, getting though today, hour by hour, as gracefully as I can. Like we all are.

So I guess that means I should go ahead and fold the damn towels already. 

Just in time to wash them again. 

Corona Diaries: Week 7

Week 7

I’m ready for everyone to go away now. 

Just please can everyone go away for like two hours a day. 

That’s all I need. I promise I will put it to good use. I mean I’ll probably watch like 20 minutes of some terrible reality show that I just can’t shake, but that’s it. I swear I’ll be productive. Or not. But I want the chance to find out. 

Listen, I’m happy to do the cleaning and the cooking and the laundry. I’ve been a stay home slave for years now-I’m used to it. I’m happy to help with the schoolwork, I’m happy to nag about the daily Zoom schedule, I’m happy to see only blank faces stare back at me when I say things like-Anybody want to play a game? Jesus, I’m even happy to be the constant audience that Daughter so desires for basically…anything…she does all day. Mom! Watch me do a cartwheel. Mom! Watch me ride my bike. Mom! Watch me watch this show. Mom! Watch me breath. 

It’s fine. It really is. 

But can they just please go away for two hours? 

(I’m willing to negotiate to one hour.)

And I don’t mean go to your rooms and become one with your device.

I mean go away. Leave this house. Let me be alone.

You remember how when the kids were little and you would sneak off to pee in the hopes of having one moment to yourself and the second your ass hit that seat you would hear….Mama?? 

That is quarantine. I just want to pee by myself and I can’t. Ever.

It doesn’t even make sense that I can’t seem to find the time to take care of things besides the aforementioned slaving because all there is is time. So much time. We’ve been told our entire lives that there are 24 hours in a day but in the time of Corona, however, it seems that there are 24 hours between lunch and dinner alone. Which makes each day at least 107 hours long. In all of those 107 hours I should be able to find just one or god forbid two where I can….I don’t even know, people. I don’t know what it is I want to do. I can’t remember stuff we used to do. I just want them to go away so I can then discover what it is I will do. Because every time I start to do a thing for myself, my ass hits the seat and all I hear is…Mama? 

The fatigue of this quarantine is settling in pretty strong now. Along with some strange “new normal” is the growing longing for some semblance of our old lives to come back. Just a glimmer of the old ordinary would sooth these restless souls. How I long to plop down a chair and a blanket at the beach; to bounce from game to game over the weekend; to be The Children’s unpaid Uber driver; to go on a date to the movies; to have Target be fun again. Of course I can’t wait to go on a vacation or plan a trip to see my family or head to a Dodger game but all I really want right now is the most benign of normal to begin again. 

And to be alone in my house. For one hour. 

Corona Diaries: Week 6

Week 6 

Remember when kids went to school? 

Man, that was awesome.

Learning stuff. Seeing friends. Being gone until 3 pm each day. 

I’m learning things during this quarantine. Like how 13 year old boys apparently don’t need sunshine to survive. 

Oh yes, I’m learning all kinds of things about teenagers and I’m taking notes.

Things I’ve Learned About Having a Teenager During Corona:

I am only allowed a certain number of questions each day. It’s important to pick questions carefully because while each one will certainly cause an eye-roll, at times I do actually need an answer. So instead of saying, How did you sleep?-I say, Good Morning. A grunt is all I need for affirmation and by that I mean a grunt is all I’ll get for affirmation so I’ve learned to accept it. I don’t ask- are you hungry? Because again, limited words per day and can’t waste time asking the obvious. Instead it is: how many grilled cheeses/hot dogs/quesadillas would you like for lunch thus saving myself from wasted questions and also the opportunity for Son to remind me that I’m stupid for asking the obvious. 

It’s important to note that asking follow up questions is crossing into dangerous territory. For example:

Mom, I’m going on bike ride.

Okay, Son. Where are you going?

I don’t know. Just around.

Do you think you’ll head down Artesia-

Mom! Just around!

Okay. Don’t forget your helmet. 

While “just around” is not normally an acceptable answer with regards to teenage whereabouts, Corona basically guarantees that his direction is aimless  and harmless and also obviously I’ll be tracking him on my phone so really the follow up questions are just wasted breath and wasted chance for more viable, necessary questions that may come up later in the day like- Can you please stop torturing your sister? Choose wisely. 

Teenagers like doors closed. Parents like doors open. Parents are the boss but teenagers are moody so I close the door as requested, then push it gently open so I can quietly spy on him while he does math that I’m certain I could never do even if you pointed a gun at my head. Have I told you guys that I hate the math? I hate the math. I know closed doors can be a divisive topic in many households, but we have a cozy little house and there is no where to hide and I know this because I’ve searched. For now, I concede to him the almost closed door because I still barge in multiple times a day as his room holds the closet that holds the things that clean the house. I just have to accept the bonus eye rolls that come with getting the broom because along with getting the broom is the reminder that I am always watching. 

Teenagers would like to just be left alone, please. This is a tough one for me as I am desperate for his love and affection that was once so abundant I would find myself peeling him off my body. The departure of such displays of affection have me mourning those sweaty, doughy hugs that I clearly took for granted. I know, I know….it’s only natural. And while I want to prove my excellence at being cool and stuff, I really do feel for these kids during this quarantine. These poor budding teenagers. I mean, they’ve finally reached the age where their independence is blooming and their identities are forming and their friend groups are growing and now they’re basically just stuck at home with their parents all day? Even us parents have to admit that’s rough. I’m even willing to go on record that I probably deserve like…half of the eye rolls I receive each day.  I’m trying so hard to respect his need for space and give him whatever sort of independence he can find during this very unique chapter in our lives, but I mean, also…like, you need some vitamin D, kid. Your eyes need to feel the fresh air. Your legs need to run. And you still have to clean the bathroom. So I am still your annoying mother who loves you and would really like to shoot hoops with you one day if you want but it’s cool if you don’t but I’m available if you want to play cards or something but I get it if you don’t and that’s fine just go back to your room and close the door and I’ll open it gently and I’ll see you at dinner. 

It’s hard out there for a teen. Who knows how this is going to affect these kids. Who knows what consequences or gifts this quarantine will provide in the weeks, months, even years to come. But to all the kids, the budding teenagers, the young adults-we feel you. You’re doing awesome. And as much as we can’t wait to drop your asses off to school, we know you are equally ready to get back to your own lives. But for now, we try to enjoy the time together (so much time) and the meals together (so much cooking) because I promise you, that will always count for something. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get the chicken out of the fridge. 

Corona Diaries: Week 5

Week 5

Here we are. The end of each week is accompanied by a depressed victory.

We made it-again. 

We have to do it-again. 

Will this ever end?

I miss things. 

I miss baseball. And my gym. My friends in the flesh. Making plans to visit my family. I (really) miss watching my kids’ games.  I miss going to the movies. I miss being alone in the house, eating my morning veggie bowls and watching 20 minutes of trashy television before I get on with my day. I miss writing stuff in my calendar that doesn’t start with ‘zoom.’ I miss carefree trips to Target. I miss my clothes. 

Which brings me to something else. 

I’m really sorry I ever said I hated all my clothes. That I would repeatedly stand with my closet open, cursing every last article, sure that I had absolutely nothing to wear. Ever. 

I mean, I didn’t know, Clothes. I didn’t know how long we would be apart from one another. I didn’t know, Cute Jacket I Bought Right Before Pandemic, that we didn’t even stand a chance to bond. I didn’t know, Perfect Shade of Army Green Sweater, that I let my one opportunity to show you off slip by and months will pass before I won’t sweat to death while wearing you. To you, Perfect Leopard Print Maxi, I await with baited breath for causal summer days made better with you and a Perfect Hat. To my Cowboy Boots…I want you to know that we can still make it work. I promise, Boots, that when this is over, you, me and Shirt Dress will go wine tasting and we will be so happy. Black Eyelet Top? My God we are going to have the best reunion. Imagine us together with those leopard wedges!? Whaaatttt!!!  I mean even you, Random Button Sweater That I’m Not Sure Is Cute or Ugly…I would like a chance to discover that together. These are the images we must hold onto, Clothes. We must remember the good times and look forward to coordinating once again. 

I can’t talk about my earrings. It’s too painful. 

Which brings me to something else. 

I wear a little mascara most days. Because I want to. And I slip on my jeans instead of leggings after a shower.  And I wore a dress to Trader Joes because it was warm outside and it felt lovely. And the other day, Anthropologie was fully taunting me with their shiny 50% Off Dresses emails and I took that clickbait and I bought myself a new, gorgeous maxi dress that I fully intend to wear while cooking chicken and doing laundry. This is risky, I know, because ladies-we are all familiar with the pure witchcraft that is an Anthro dressing room, what with that lighting and those magic mirrors and I am never one to order clothes online which I know makes me some kind of freak, but I have the hips and the butt and one size here and another size there….just let me try it on first please. But the pure thrill I felt at the idea of receiving something fun in the mail that I can wear and feel pretty in was too much for me to bear. I broke and I bought it and I hope my mirror is as magic as those in-store. 

These little things…a dab of mascara, jeans instead of leggings….a new dress that could look awful on me….they boost my mood just the tiniest bit. A closet full of clothes I once cursed and now look upon longingly is not really important, I know. It’s not anything that actually matters in times of such strife and hardship and sacrifice. But standing in front of my closet, staring at all those things I was so sure I hated…well….it evokes gratitude. To have so much. Not the clothes but the times spent in them. The times spent packing to visit family; to go grab a drink with girlfriends; head to Dodger games with my kids; go on a date to the movies; to settle in comfortably for a marathon day of the kids’ games. All these outings and experiences we took for granted because we just didn’t know. How could we? What I see now when I stand in front of my open closet is life. I remember all the cherished memories, I feel the stillness of time that is now, and I look forward to all the life we have yet to experience when this, too, does pass. 

I’ll be the one in the maxi dress, big hoops adorning my ears and the perfect hat upon my head. 

Corona Diaries: Week Four

Week Four.

Or Week Sixty Four.

I don’t know…do you? Does it matter?

Week Four was Spring Break, so The Children had no schoolwork to occupy them for even just a mere two hours a day.  So…yeah. There was….Nothing. To Do. All Day. Just wake up whenever, do whatever, for however long you’re doing it, eat a bunch of food, complain that it’s chicken, then go back to doing whatever for however long you’re doing it while creating just a freakish amount of laundry. Actually, come to think of it…that was exactly how we spent Spring Break last year. Huh. 

This no routine routine is something I am not cut out for. Last week, you could find me wandering my living room, which is about the size of your master bathroom most likely, saying things like, cards? Yahtzee? 15 more minutes until you take a break. Cards? Yahtzee? 14 more minutes until no more Minecraft. Cards? Yahtzee? 13 more minutes….

A numbness took over and I aimlessly circled in white space, certain that the only thing this pandemic is proving is how useless I am because I can’t drive my kids to sports. What good am I if nobody needs a ride anywhere? 

To this, I texted one of my besties who is working from home alongside her husband and two teenagers and asked her- am I an asshole because I wish I had a job to do right now other than cook and clean and feel constant guilt and beg my kids for love and attention? And she said no you’re not (she has to say that because she’s my friend) and agreed that she hasn’t even had a second to feel guilty because she’s so busy working but she wonders if she’s missing out on all the kumbaya family time social media is busy distorting for us. I assured her it wasn’t all kumbaya over here because at that very moment, Daughter was busy lighting things on fire in the driveway and Son left on his bike to go find a Dr. Pepper because I’m a terrible mother and did not buy any at Target and declined his offer for me to jump immediately in my car and go get him some. (Cue Dr. Pepper Shamers.) 

I gotta hand it to us, ladies. Not even a quarantined pandemic can quell our self doubt and questionable worthiness and usefulness as a human, mother, friend. Maybe we should stop being so hard on ourselves. It’s exhausting. I mean, if I can not give a shit about Tik Tok and don’t even have a desire to understand it, that means I must have some redeemable qualities, yeah? 

See what happens when I have no routine or direction? I start comparing my self worth to Tik Tok.

I gotta get out more.

Oh yeah. 

Never mind.

While nothing can compare to the thrill we once knew of dropping our kids off at school for eight hours a day, I joyfully welcome the return of digital learning next week. I think The Children will too. We all need a little routine, a little direction, to keep us motivated to keep on keeping on during this quarantine; one long day followed by the next. But I have learned that some days, it makes me feel better to wear real clothes. That some days, it’s okay for me to read on the sofa instead of cook chicken. That some days I can be the boss of screen time and other days I do not give a rats ass. That some days, I’ll be damned if I don’t win the family board game battle, and other days I let it go. I have learned that my kids can do more than just put their dishes in the dishwasher (like total sociopaths, but still they always have) and it does not, contrary to their very popular belief, kill them to do all the dinner dishes. I mean, what a relief that at the very least, we’re safe from death by dishes. (So many dishes.)  I have learned that being bored does not translate to desire to clean closets or craft or learn a new language. I have learned that being outside is vital for survival. That feeling the sun on my face is a reminder that life is still happening. We are still here. We still have a purpose. And mine is for chicken. 

Lastly, I have learned that each day, I grow more and more motivated to cut my own hair. Carson Daly can do it. What could go wrong? And if it does go wrong…I mean…who cares.

Because…quarantine. 

Corona Diaries: Week Three

Okay.

Week Three.

Week Three brought some fairly disappointing news. School is closed. Until September.

Damn. 

When I was being honest with myself, I knew the kids weren’t going to go back this year, but that didn’t stop me from twisting and turning my thoughts into the idea that there was a chance. I desperately gripped that lingering hope that maybe, just perhaps, somehow, just maaayyyybee….this would all end and they could go back, even for a few weeks. 

Obvious reasons I want to them to go back:

1: please go away from my face

2: yes, I’m dumb because I can’t do your math

3: You can’t be hungry all of the time in all of the days 

4: the fighting 

5: the fighting 

6: the fighting

7: the dishes

But the real reason I was holding on so tight to that lingering hope was everything else the return of school would signify. That maybe we could see the light at the end of the tunnel blinking faintly. Not fully able to bask in it’s glow, but to just feel a simple sliver across our faces to begin to heal this heaviness in our hearts; to be able to regain a few of our basic freedoms we now cherish so deeply. Each day I wake up searching for some sort of validation that we’re going to get through this; each day I text or chat with various friends and family trying to find that angle, that silver lining, that light at the end of the tunnel but each day still ends just as the last. I got that email from the school and I cried. For all the things it signified. For all the memories stolen from us, big and small. For that light I’m still squinting to see.

These weeks, they go by day by day and within each day is a whole week it feels. We have our ups and downs.  An endless, hopeless day has been followed with a lighter, more content one, which makes the next day more bearable because we survived the one before, so we can survive the one tomorrow. It’s this mindset that keeps me from falling down the rabbit hole of anxious, fear-riddled doom. I can’t control this. I can’t control what’s going to happen, I can’t control this economy, I can't control the future. What I can control is making choices that do not put others and my family at risk. What I can control is this day, hour by hour.  What I can control is how much Minecraft Son can play each day. 

Just kidding. I can’t control that and I stopped trying. And that feels right.  

We’ve all been through dark times, some darker than others. I look back to the very darkest of days I had during my divorce where it felt like I was drowning in the blackest of waters and although it’s painful to reflect upon that period of my life, it’s also a gracious reminder that time marches on. Bad times turn to good. Hard things become easier. Black water becomes blue again. Together, we’ll just sit afloat for a bit until this, too, shall pass. 

And who knows how we’ll reflect upon this time when the dust has settled and we resume a new normal. Will we miss the afternoon forced family walks that sometimes end with belly laughs?  Will I see as many families riding bikes together, destination endless? Will all the neighborhood kids once again entertain themselves with a big game of hide and seek? (Is there a more perfect social distancing game?) I daresay we will look back and we will miss it just a bit. Just for a moment. A very fleeting, brief moment while we run our kids around, do our jobs, make the dinners, go to the games, yell for shoes to be put on, over schedule our lives; I daresay we might close our eyes and remember that really, really, really long summer we once had where we could hug no one but our children but oh so many hugs they did get and we might smile.

Like a-teeny-tiny, barely perceptible, blink and you might miss it-smile, but a smile nonetheless.

Until then, we march forward. To Week Four we go.