What did those kids do to that nice lady?

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Privacy Please...

Here in the Gelato House, The Children have always had an interesting relationship with water.  There was that time when Son was 10 months old and suddenly developed an intense fear of water, refused to get into the bathtub, and would only bathe in the sink like a newborn baby. There was then that period of time around the age of two when Son decided  he would not even entertain the idea of touching the Pacific, and also, the sand was decidedly too close to the mighty sea so we weren't allowed to venture near the beautiful beach so blessedly close to our home without an intense toddler breakdown. Daughter, on the other hand, has rarely displayed even the slightest fear of the ocean, but a nice, warm, swimming pool?  No thanks.  She’ll duck dive the cold waves all months of the year, and if she can be naked, even better. Ask her to take a nice cruise around the pool with you and she will make you regret that you even asked. And the very mild request that maybe they start taking a shower instead of a bath?  No way in hell.

Until now.

I thought it would never come.  I was beginning to believe that my Children would never, ever take a shower.  How could they become Fully Functional Adults if the mere thought of water pouring gently down on them from above sent them running down the hall, naked, screaming NEVER!!  That doesn't seem like a selling point for future relationships.  But I'm happy to report, through no bribery or encouragement from myself, Son has recently discovered the shower. Baths are for Babies and showers are for Big Kids and while I am thrilled with this new development, there is one very strict rule I must follow while Son is taking his shower: I turn the shower on for him and then I must leave immediately and give him ABSOLUTE PRIVACY for the duration of his shower.

Wait wait wait....privacy while taking a shower? Whaaaa? Privacy and Parenting are not two worlds that can co-exist.   Think of the last time you actually closed the door to use the bathroom and it wasn't knocked on, pushed open, or body slammed against all because some small person NEEDS you NOW and it CAN'T WAIT for the 27 seconds it will take for you to pee the pee you have most likely been holding for at least three hours. So, Son requesting PRIVACY for his precious little shower after years of me not even being able to use a feminine product without some child asking me What is THAT? makes me cackle a good cackle and assume that per His request for PRIVACY, I am encouraged to NOT do the following while Son is showering:

-Turn the lights out, point a flashlight at him, and ask him about all the insecurities he may have about his body

-Take a shit right next him and ask him when he's going to be done so he can wipe me
-Press my face against the glass, run my hands down the door and scream his name at an unnecessary volume

-Barge in any time I feel like it and ask him 187 times in a row “what are we going to do today?”

-Ask him about all his parts and why they look different than mine

-Take his towel and throw it on the ground juuuussst out of his reach

And let's not forget my personal favorite:

-Lie down on the floor, suck my thumb and stare at him for the duration of his shower

Although it would be fun to impart some sort of revenge on Son for the many showers interrupted, I remind myself that I am the Parental Unit and I need to save up all my pranks for when it really counts: the Teenage Years. So until then, I'll turn the water on for him, close the door juuusst enough so I can check on him without his knowledge, and let him enjoy his shower.  

In privacy.