I’m going through one of those spells right now where every minute of the day feels a bit like torture. Okay...maybe not every minute...but the point is...everyone is kind of an asshole right now. And by everyone I mean The Offspring. We all know young children are challenging, but sometimes they just seem Worse and More Annoying than Usual. Some will say it’s a “growth spurt.” Others will say it’s “just a phase.” I prefer to call it an Unfortunate Length Of Time Where I Have To Be A Bitch All Day Because No One Listens Or Does Anything I Ask And I’m Tired Of Picking Up All This Crap.
What really sucks about these periods of asshole-ness is that I feel like such a terrible failure as a mother. I don’t want to be mad and angry all day; it’s exhausting and pointless. Then I start to feel bad about myself and wonder if I’m a good mom and why can’t I have more patience and where did I go wrong and will they ever listen to me and what if they start to hang out with the wrong crowd will it be because of that time I screamed at them and slammed the door? This spiral of self deprecation in itself is exhausting and can put me in an even worse mood. But fear not; this mood can be almost instantly altered by none other than good, old fashioned, Reality Television. A glass of wine and a dose of stupidity will make me feel like a Better Person and a Better Mom in no time.
Here, a few shows I like to watch to remind myself that I am actually doing okay:
Toddlers and Tiaras: You are in for a treat if you have never seen this show as these parents are horrifying. Pros: you only need to watch it for approximately 17 seconds before saying to yourself, holy shit...I really AM a good mother. Cons: the standard is low as these mothers are, you know, spray tanning their 3 year olds and putting them in Spanx because it’s FUN YA’LL!
Real Housewives of Anywhere: Um, yes. A bunch of rich drag queens with terrible taste bitching about...um...what are they bitching about again? Oh yeah...nothing. At least when I bitch about my children it’s because I’m ACTUALLY RAISING THEM.
I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant: Yes. This is a real show. I usually watch it when I want to feel skinny and smart.
Extreme Couponing: Clearly, these people are insane. Are you really saving money when you buy yet another year’s supply of laundry detergent when you have 11 years in storage? And I’m sorry, but you WANT your kids to have an unlimited supply of candy bars and chocolate milk simply because they were... free? You’ll be paying for fat camp (and therapy) later. I’ll go ahead and pay for apples now instead.
Wife Swap: When they say it could be worse...yes...yes it could. Just watch this show.
Actually, Husband should watch this so he knows how awesome I am and he should just go ahead and rub my feet every night to thank me for being so awesome.
Supernanny: Oh.My.Lord. My kids are...good. Like, really good. Like I should wake them up and apologize for thinking they were not so good today. These kids...these kids are bad. Bad Kids. Bad, bad, bad kids.
Hoarders: So...I haven’t cleaned the bathrooms in two weeks...so what? These people haven’t cleaned their bathrooms in 36 years. Winning.
Sadly, I could go on but I won’t because I’m sure your opinion of me is lowering by the second. Remember-you only need to watch no more than five minutes of any of these shows to remind yourself that you are doing a fabulous job of being human.
Tomorrow I will have more patience; tomorrow I will take more deep breaths before reacting to marker on the walls because tonight I will take pleasure in the stupidity of others and thank my stars for my Offspring who, even when they are being assholes, still remain my favorite people.