What did those kids do to that nice lady?

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Dear Lego

Does anyone else want to tell Lego to suck it?  Anyone?  I mean, really, I can’t be the only one who has experienced the painful whine of a child who’s Recently Put Together Over Priced Random Lego Set slips from his hands and crashes to the floor and falls apart in a way that a NASA engineer might have a hard time putting back together.  I can’t be the only parent who has proclaimed a sick sense of victory after finding an impossibly small piece of plastic shaped like some sort of weapon stuck in a sofa cushion just TO MAKE THE CRIES STOP.  And, please, I know I am not alone in the joy I feel when I may or may not accidentally vacuum up what may or may not be little Lego nun chucks.  Hey-I’m not the one who deserted them in the carpet.  It’s like you WANT me to destroy them. 

But recently, I got to thinking that hey...maybe these Lego Executives don’t know that people want them to suck it and just need a little feedback.  I mean, clearly, these people have no children and hate mothers, why would they even have an inkling that many people consider them the devil?  So, in the name of fairness, I have composed a letter to alert them of this fact.  

Dear Lego,
Well, aren’t you just so clever?  You know, back in the day I used to really like you, Lego.  A big box of colorful bricks just waiting for my endless childhood imagination to build magnificent masterpieces all of my own creation?  Heaven.  But that wasn’t enough for you, was it?  No no no.  You had to go and get all greedy.  You had to go ahead take over the world with your Harry Potter/Star Wars/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles/Lord of the Rings/Lone Ranger Lego sets.  Even THAT wasn’t enough for you.  Oh no no no.  You THEN had to go ahead and CREATE TELEVISION SHOWS whose sole purpose is to SELL LEGO SETS.  I know you probably think you must be absolute geniuses to have thought of such a thing, but the truth is, you are going to Hell.  But it will be a special Hell, designed just Lego Executives.  In this Hell, you will rotate from one Lego Created Painful Experience to the next.  Here are some examples.

ONE: Standing in the Lego aisle at Target surrounded by tired, hungry Children unable to function as Normal Human Beings because Mean Mommy refuses to even entertain the idea of purchasing an $80 Legends of Chima Craggers Command Ship, hence- you have ruined their lives forever.

TWO: Standing in a room full of Children who’s Lego sets keep accidentally crashing to the floor, breaking into 327 pieces.  I think you know what happens next.  

THREE: Listening to two children fight over who gets to be ‘Ninjago’s’ Jay and who gets to be Kai.  This may not sound terrible, but don’t worry...it will be.  

FOUR: Losing eyesight while trying to find miniature Lego handcuffs that have lost themselves in a tub of let’s say....3567 other Lego pieces.  Good luck.

FIVE: Trying to figure out which step a Child missed exactly in the 400 page guide to Wakz’ Pack Tracker.  Was it step 8?  Step 98?  Step 47?  The only way you will ever know is to Start.Over.Again.  For eternity.

You don’t have to go to this Hell, Lego.  You can just...stop.  Stop.  Please, for the love God, stop.  It’s enough.  We get it.  You can turn this back around!  Just create moderately priced colorful bricks and let the Children take over!  I swear...their own creations are far more interesting than your Special Lego Sets will ever be because they did it on their own.  

That’s all I got, Lego.  I will now retreat back into my own special hell called: “DON’T TOUCH MY LEGO BATTLE SCENE IN THE PLAYROOM!”  I think I’ll just go ahead and close the door and pretend that it’s not happening.  

Gelato Mama