What did those kids do to that nice lady?

Thursday, March 24, 2016

But...the fries!

On the eve of Daughter’s 7th birthday, I of course am thinking of all the mushy, gushy reasons I love her and Son so much and how my life has been forever altered by them both and the thought of being without them is unimaginable and all that other lovey dovey stuff.

But what about those….other reasons…why having kids is so great? Sure, they’ll make you crazy and long for uninterrupted minutes of silence, but they also bring with them an abundance of opportunities to eat french fries, which is kinda awesome. So, in honor of that….for your reading pleasure….

A Few Unconventional Reasons Why Having Kids Is Kinda Awesome

One: The Kids Menu

Listen…we all WANT chicken fingers and grilled cheese on a somewhat very regular basis, but we can’t eat like that anymore! Especially after knocking out a couple kids! Having Children allows you the great pleasure of not ordering fries, but getting to eat them anyway. Because, you know, the KIDS MENU. I can’t tell you the disappointment Son can see in my eyes when he has the AUDACITY to order fruit instead of curly fries. And I can’t even talk about that period of time when he said he didn’t…like…chicken fingers…anymore. A dark, dark time in my life. Luckily, Daughter’s macaroni and cheese addiction helped me through it until I got him back on track. A Parent’s Golden Rule: order the salad so you can eat the scraps from the Children. You’re not above it. Trust me. 

Two: You Get to Say Because I Said So

This one is pretty self-explanatory, but I really want you to think about it for a second. Remember all those times your mom or dad would say that shit to you and it would just MAKE YOU SO MAD? Like-how is that a reason? How can they just say that? 


And also, kids are insane and will do shit where you’ll find yourself saying things like ‘Please don’t tape your sister’s hands together’ or ‘We don’t use a fork to comb our hair’ on an alarmingly surprising basis and “normal” reasons just don’t apply to Small Insane People, so you just gotta pull out the Mother Card: Because.I.Said.So.

Try it out.
It’s fun. 

Three: You can leave anywhere at anytime and throw your kids under the bus

Oh…that solicitor who won’t stop stalking you in the Trader Joe’s parking lot? Yeah, sorry, I don’t have time to fund your “college education,” I’ve got to go pick up my kids.

Oh…I’d love to stay and talk to you about how to save the dolphins, but…I’ve got to go pick up my kids.

Oh…shoot…I would sooooooo love to come to your tupperware party but…Son isn’t feeling that well, so I should stay home.

Oh…would you look at the time? I would loooovvveee to stay a little longer at your Great Great Aunt’s 97th birthday and talk to people I barely know but it’s nap time for the little ones! You stay, honey. I’ll take the kids home and see you later.

Oh….gee, Mr. Politician, there is nothing more I would like to do than have you stand in my doorstep convincing me of your worth, but my kids are in the bath! Gotta run!

This list could be endless. Use your imagination. 

Four: It no longer looks like you’re talking to yourself

You know when you’re out and about mumbling to yourself, most likely not even aware of it and you get a strange look here and there before you realize your lips were moving and sound was coming out? Yeah, well, stick a kid in that cart and voila! Instant conversation partner! A newborn, a toddler, a teenager…it doesn’t matter! There is a PERSON next to you! Once they pass 5 years old, they stop listening anyway, so go ahead and talk about anything you want! Out loud! Now-I’m not saying you should be embarrassed or anything about talking to yourself-I’m just saying…why not look just a little less crazy sometimes? 

Five: Every day, they let you try again to do your best

Listen, I’ve been a Bad Mom so many times. So, so, so, so many times. Whether it’s a small moment of impatience, or a lingering regret over a way you handle a situation, you will also be a Bad Parent here and there. But, Small Children are perhaps the only people on the planet who not only forgive, they forget. Like, in two seconds sometimes. And not that you want to go to bed at night thinking-shit, I really screwed up today-on a regular basis, but when you do…and you will…those squishy faces will be all new and fresh in the morning ready and willing for you to try again to do your best. In fact, they’re depending on you to always try to do your best. Because, look, they’re Small Insane People and we can’t count on them to make the best decisions. Let’s be real: you need to do your best because if you don’t, something might start on fire. 

And if that happens, just go ahead and order your own curly fries.

You deserve them.