Schoolhouse Diaries 2

Well, it took a full eight days, but on the ninth, Daughter concluded she hates school. She even wrote it forcefully on a sticker on her wall. With a sharpie. 

Son received an F on a math assignment, along with most of his classmates, because the Khan link they were using was glitching and their work wouldn’t turn in. When I asked Son about it, he laughed and said he didn’t care. It was only one point. His teacher didn’t believe he did the work anyway, so why bother? 

I got two migraines in three days, which hasn’t happened to me in years. And one of them began while I was in the holy land of Target. That’s just cruel.

So things are going great. 

It’s great that Daughter has always loved school and now she cries every day. I mean at least in the good old in-person school days, I knew that throwing her math workbook across the room was a habit she saved just for me, just for home, never at school. At least in the good old days, her teacher could stand next to her and help ensure she doesn’t slip behind and now we just get to guess. Is she struggling? Who knows! Keeping us on our toes.

And while Son has always been one of those frustrating humans who doesn’t seem to have to work very hard to make good grades, he has always cared about making good grades and completing his work. So I am also really happy that he’s finally okay with an F! Yes, Son! Way to lower expectations! I knew you could do it. All you needed was a little encouragement from your teacher and a bad wifi connection. 

How strange that migraines popped back into my life. What a great  f*ing surprise. At least it was an excuse to close my bedroom door and lie in silence. The only sound the throbbing of my head; the only sight the flashing in my eyes. 

I feel grateful that my kids are old enough to manage their schooling for the most part on their own. I can’t imagine how hard and frustrating it must be for younger kids, their short attention spans a challenge enough. And I feel grateful that as 6th and 8th graders, my kids will have some time and years to make up for this lost period in their childhood and schooling. But at what cost? 

And when is this going to end? Somedays I feel like they’ll go back soon, they have to go back soon….right?  And other days…other days I just feel so defeated. And does anyone else feel like their kids have been awake since March and they just won’t go to bed? Like these last six months have been one long day and all you want….all you want…is a glass of wine, a quiet house and a new season of the Real Housewives but all you get is Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom. A relentless need for things and stuff and food and attention and cruise directing; the demand of these needs no longer broken by thirty hours of school each week. 

And under no illusion am I that my kids aren’t sick of me. How many glasses do you need to use each day? Why is the bathroom floor a flood? Did we forget how to open the dishwasher? Can you use a napkin for christ’s sake? Give me your phone. Stop staring at your iPad. Go outside. Oh I don’t know you can….play basketball, ride bikes, skateboard, color, draw, practice your instruments, do a puzzle, play cards, bake something, or just stab my ears out with a pencil and leave me alone to suffer.  Oh and did we forget I GOT THIS DOG FOR YOU SO WHY DON’T YOU TAKE HER ON A WALK? 

Okay so maaaayyybeeee I’m feeling a little on edge today. 
But I’m willing to bet you can relate. 

Still…there are moments like last night when Daughter was really pushing for Most Likely To Keep Mom Awake As Long As Possible. Her toe hurt, her tummy hurt, her shoulder felt funny. She was having scary thoughts. She can’t sleep. So at last, near midnight, in search of sleep for us both, I relented and climbed the ladder to her loft bed to sleep beside her. And as were drifting, she grabbed my hand and said-thanks, Mama. All I really need is you. And a baby brother. 

Well, one out of two ain’t bad. 

But thanks, kid, for the reminder that while each day will bring it’s own fresh set of challenges and a roller coaster of emotions, we can always hold hands and know it’s going to be okay. 

Now please go back to school. 

Schoolhouse Diaries 1

 How is this okay? 

Remember last March when we all looked around to one another, anxious for acknowledgement that surely after a few weeks, we would move back to “normal?” The angsty plea in our eyes, searching for validation from whomever would give it to us? Who can forget, as much as we try, those long, long, looooonnnnnggg first few weeks, the days dripping by slower than molasses? One endless afternoon merging into the next, after we proclaimed each morning…that’s it? You’re already done with school? It’s 9:30. In the morning. 

Remember how we went from…okay…three weeks. I can handle three weeks. We’ve got Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime for god sakes. And then it slipped into…okay…maybe May? That feels far away. Maybe I should buy some more board games to make everyone hate me just a little more.  And then it was…oh…okay. So we’re not going back to school. So I just gotta get through the summer. We can make it through the summer.

And all along…September was just in the wings, waiting for his light, to deliver his message: Here. Hold my beer. 

And now here I am, sitting in my house, listening to Son in band class and Daughter in gym class, the musical scales pairing nicely with the thud thud thud of jumping jacks I’m guessing. I would go look, but I don’t want to. Why purposely place myself in a position where surely I’ll either be yelled at or dismissed with an eye roll? I’m supposed to be doing the yelling and the eye rolling but instead here I am, tip-toeing around my house so as not to disturb The Zooms, dreaming about the days I used to be able to just plop down at the bookstore with a coffee and my computer and my headphones and not be bothered while I try and tap out a few thoughts. Instead here I am, hiding in my bedroom, drinking water because I already drained the coffeepot, taking a defiant stance against my chores in favor of trying to tap out a few thoughts, only to be interrupted by Daughter, who wants lunch and when I question her Zoom whereabouts she simply confesses that her teacher is babbling on and on about earthquakes and she’s not missing anything. 

Except she’s missing everything. 

We’re failing our kids. 

I don’t know why this is okay.

It’s as if we’ve wrapped our kids in red tape, concerned less about their mental health and education and more about if we get to watch Monday Night Football. We’ve figured out a way to dine outside, but not educate outside. These young humans are the future leaders of our nation and we can’t be bothered to figure out a way to keep them in school? I know most educators every where are busting their asses but if every other industry can find a way to think outside the box why can’t our schools? You can go to a f*ing soul cycle class! YOU CAN GO TO A F*ING SOUL CYLCE CLASS. 

How is this okay?