What did those kids do to that nice lady?

Thursday, December 22, 2011

How to feel Good again

I’m going through one of those spells right now where every minute of the day feels a bit like torture.  Okay...maybe not every minute...but the point is...everyone is kind of an asshole right now.  And by everyone I mean The Offspring.  We all know young children are challenging, but sometimes they just seem Worse and More Annoying than Usual.  Some will say it’s a “growth spurt.”  Others will say it’s “just a phase.”  I prefer to call it an Unfortunate Length Of Time Where I Have To Be A Bitch All Day Because No One Listens Or Does Anything I Ask And I’m Tired Of Picking Up All This Crap. 
What really sucks about these periods of asshole-ness is that I feel like such a terrible failure as a mother.  I don’t want to be mad and angry all day; it’s exhausting and pointless.  Then I start to feel bad about myself and wonder if I’m a good mom and why can’t I have more patience and where did I go wrong and will they ever listen to me and what if they start to hang out with the wrong crowd will it be because of that time I screamed at them and slammed the door?  This spiral of self deprecation in itself is exhausting and can put me in an even worse mood.  But fear not; this mood can be almost instantly altered by none other than good, old fashioned, Reality Television.  A glass of wine and a dose of stupidity will make me feel like a Better Person and a Better Mom in no time.    
Here, a few shows I like to watch to remind myself that I am actually doing okay:
Toddlers and Tiaras: You are in for a treat if you have never seen this show as these parents are horrifying.  Pros: you only need to watch it for approximately 17 seconds before saying to yourself, holy shit...I really AM a good mother.  Cons: the standard is low as these mothers are, you know, spray tanning their 3 year olds and putting them in Spanx because it’s FUN YA’LL! 
Real Housewives of Anywhere: Um, yes.  A bunch of rich drag queens with terrible taste bitching about...um...what are they bitching about again?  Oh yeah...nothing.  At least when I bitch about my children it’s because I’m ACTUALLY RAISING THEM.  
I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant: Yes.  This is a real show.  I usually watch it when I want to feel skinny and smart.
Extreme Couponing:  Clearly, these people are insane.  Are you really saving money when you buy yet another year’s supply of laundry detergent when you have 11 years in storage?  And I’m sorry, but you WANT your kids to have an unlimited supply of candy bars and chocolate milk simply because they were... free?  You’ll be paying for fat camp (and therapy) later.  I’ll go ahead and pay for apples now instead.
Wife Swap:  When they say it could be worse...yes...yes it could.  Just watch this show.
Actually, Husband should watch this so he knows how awesome I am and he should just go ahead and rub my feet every night to thank me for being so awesome.  
Supernanny:  Oh.My.Lord.  My kids are...good.  Like, really good.  Like I should wake them up and apologize for thinking they were not so good today.  These kids...these kids are bad.  Bad Kids.  Bad, bad, bad kids.
Hoarders:  So...I haven’t cleaned the bathrooms in two weeks...so what?  These people haven’t cleaned their bathrooms in 36 years.  Winning.
Sadly, I could go on but I won’t because I’m sure your opinion of me is lowering by the second.  Remember-you only need to watch no more than five minutes of any of these shows to remind yourself that you are doing a fabulous job of being human.  
Tomorrow I will have more patience; tomorrow I will take more deep breaths before reacting to marker on the walls because tonight I will take pleasure in the stupidity of others and thank my stars for my Offspring who, even when they are being assholes, still remain my favorite people.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Santa Baby

The other day I was outside playing with the kids when my son, out of nowhere, asked me if we celebrate Hanukkah.  I paused and said, no...we celebrate Christmas.  He then asked, Are we Christians?  Now, my brain was saying Who the fuck are you talking too?  But my mouth came out with, yes...yes...I suppose we are Christians.  He then asked What are Christians?
Now, as I’ve mentioned before, we do not attend church regularly.  (Or at all.)  This is mostly out of laziness and a desire to enjoy Sunday morning.  And while I want to give my kids a foundation on which to form their own beliefs...I kind of want to just take a walk to get breakfast on the weekends.  But, Son was persisting in this line of questioning so I attempted to answer his question.  THINK, WOMAN, THINK!  What did all those years of CCD teach you?  (I can’t remember because I was...bored.)
It went something like this...pretty sure I nailed it:
Christmas is Jesus Christ's birthday.  
Who’s Jesus?
He was a great man who wanted to teach people to live with respect and love for others.  He wanted people to be good.
Like Santa?
Well...yes...I guess?  Except Jesus was the Son of God.  Remember how I told you God lived inside and all around us and wants us to be nice and kind?  Well, Jesus was His son.
WHAT?  How could he be inside of us and have a son?
How old is Jesus going to be on Christmas?
Well...he’s dead.
He’s DEAD?
Yes...that’s why we celebrate Christmas.  To remember Jesus on his birthday.
He must have been really old, huh?
Something like that.
So...Santa wants us to be good so he can bring us presents for Jesus’ birthday?
These kids...they ask so many questions.  Questions I am not always prepared to answer and I’m scared for all the questions to come.  (Thank God for Google.)  My five year old son made me feel like a total stumbling idiot and now he’s convinced that Santa and Jesus are pretty much the same person.  I DID THAT TO HIM.  
So....maybe I screwed up the Jesus/Santa/Christmas thing, but I forte in other areas. My kids have excellent taste in music and like to bust a move.  They both have a fantastic sense of humor, especially my Daughter who is the funniest person I know.  My Son could most likely get terrorists to confess to any crimes committed by his relentless thirst for interrogation.   And they are both good and kind people.  
After all, God/Jesus/Santa is watching...you do want that scooter, right?

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Goodbye My Love

It’s hard for me to say this.  It’s painful, actually.  But yesterday, as Daughter came out of her room for the third time, sucking on a lollipop and shrugging off the enormous disaster she created INSTEAD of sleeping, I realized that precious, wonderful, amazing nap-time may be Coming.To.An.End.  
In honor of nap-time and all that it has given to me, I have written a song.  It is to the tune of Candle in the Wind.  I’m pretty sure my lyrics rival those of the great Elton John.  (It’s more fun to turn on the song and sing along with the new words.  Trust.)  

May I present: Goodbye Nap-time by Gelato Mama
Goodbye, nap-time.  You know, I really enjoyed you so much.  
You had the grace to keep me sane
To make it through the day.
You really were fantastic 
Sometimes better than sex
I think if you were a man
I’d make out with you every day
And it seems to me, I lived my life from 1-4 pm
Always knowing I could pee in peace 
Cuz no one would barge in
And I would really like to keep you
Around for my whole life
But your candle burned out yesterday
And now I’m kind of fucked
Goodbye, nap-time.  I think I loved you more than you’ll ever know
Now my kids think they don’t need to sleep
And turn into assholes.
Now that you are gone,
I wish I could talk to you
And let you know how I loved you
You never made me blue
And it seems to me, I lived my life from 1-4 pm
Always knowing I could pee in peace 
Cuz no one would barge in
And I would really like to keep you
Around for my whole life
But your candle burned out yesterday
And now I’m kind of fucked
Goodbye nap-time.  But seriously, where did you go?
After everything we’ve been through
I thought you loved me back
Goodbye nap-time. How could you do this to me?
Now I have to play Yahtzee endlessly
And stab out my eyeballs
And it seems to me, I lived my life from 1-4 pm
Always knowing I could pee in peace 
Cuz no one would barge in
And I would really like to keep you
Around for my whole life
But your candle burned out yesterday
And now I’m kind of fucked
But your candle burned out yesterday
And now I’m kind of fucked