Santa Baby

The other day I was outside playing with the kids when my son, out of nowhere, asked me if we celebrate Hanukkah.  I paused and said, no...we celebrate Christmas.  He then asked, Are we Christians?  Now, my brain was saying Who the fuck are you talking too?  But my mouth came out with, yes...yes...I suppose we are Christians.  He then asked What are Christians?

JESUS CHRIST.  

Now, as I’ve mentioned before, we do not attend church regularly.  (Or at all.)  This is mostly out of laziness and a desire to enjoy Sunday morning.  And while I want to give my kids a foundation on which to form their own beliefs...I kind of want to just take a walk to get breakfast on the weekends.  But, Son was persisting in this line of questioning so I attempted to answer his question.  THINK, WOMAN, THINK!  What did all those years of CCD teach you?  (I can’t remember because I was...bored.)

It went something like this...pretty sure I nailed it:

Christmas is Jesus Christ's birthday.  

Who’s Jesus?

He was a great man who wanted to teach people to live with respect and love for others.  He wanted people to be good.

Like Santa?

Well...yes...I guess?  Except Jesus was the Son of God.  Remember how I told you God lived inside and all around us and wants us to be nice and kind?  Well, Jesus was His son.

WHAT?  How could he be inside of us and have a son?

(HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME.)

How old is Jesus going to be on Christmas?

Well...he’s dead.

He’s DEAD?

Yes...that’s why we celebrate Christmas.  To remember Jesus on his birthday.

He must have been really old, huh?

Something like that.

So...Santa wants us to be good so he can bring us presents for Jesus’ birthday?

Exactly.  

These kids...they ask so many questions.  Questions I am not always prepared to answer and I’m scared for all the questions to come.  (Thank God for Google.)  My five year old son made me feel like a total stumbling idiot and now he’s convinced that Santa and Jesus are pretty much the same person.  I DID THAT TO HIM.  

So....maybe I screwed up the Jesus/Santa/Christmas thing, but I forte in other areas. My kids have excellent taste in music and like to bust a move.  They both have a fantastic sense of humor, especially my Daughter who is the funniest person I know.  My Son could most likely get terrorists to confess to any crimes committed by his relentless thirst for interrogation.   And they are both good and kind people.  

After all, God/Jesus/Santa is watching...you do want that scooter, right?