Does anyone else want to tell Lego to suck it? Anyone? I mean, really, I can’t be the only one who has experienced the painful whine of a child who’s Recently Put Together Over Priced Random Lego Set slips from his hands and crashes to the floor and falls apart in a way that a NASA engineer might have a hard time putting back together. I can’t be the only parent who has proclaimed a sick sense of victory after finding an impossibly small piece of plastic shaped like some sort of weapon stuck in a sofa cushion just TO MAKE THE CRIES STOP. And, please, I know I am not alone in the joy I feel when I may or may not accidentally vacuum up what may or may not be little Lego nun chucks. Hey-I’m not the one who deserted them in the carpet. It’s like you WANT me to destroy them.
But recently, I got to thinking that hey...maybe these Lego Executives don’t know that people want them to suck it and just need a little feedback. I mean, clearly, these people have no children and hate mothers, why would they even have an inkling that many people consider them the devil? So, in the name of fairness, I have composed a letter to alert them of this fact.
Well, aren’t you just so clever? You know, back in the day I used to really like you, Lego. A big box of colorful bricks just waiting for my endless childhood imagination to build magnificent masterpieces all of my own creation? Heaven. But that wasn’t enough for you, was it? No no no. You had to go and get all greedy. You had to go ahead take over the world with your Harry Potter/Star Wars/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles/Lord of the Rings/Lone Ranger Lego sets. Even THAT wasn’t enough for you. Oh no no no. You THEN had to go ahead and CREATE TELEVISION SHOWS whose sole purpose is to SELL LEGO SETS. I know you probably think you must be absolute geniuses to have thought of such a thing, but the truth is, you are going to Hell. But it will be a special Hell, designed just Lego Executives. In this Hell, you will rotate from one Lego Created Painful Experience to the next. Here are some examples.