Can I tell you what I was doing at 7:14 am this morning? Chasing Daughter, barefoot and in my pajamas, after she fled outside to go to the car to get HER BAG! HER GOODY BAG! WHERE IS MY BAG? I’m pretty sure my neighbors thought maybe there was a fire in our house and we were fleeing from danger. We arrived to the car and there it was, in it’s shredded glory. Oh, how torn up plastic can bring a wee one such pleasure.
Can we talk about goody bags for a second? I hate them. I despise them. They must be a disguise for the devil because they only bring BAD BAD THINGS. Now, I get it. It’s not for me. It’s for the kids and kids love that stupid little shit. An eraser shaped like a candy cane? MUST HAVE IT. A tiny bottle of bubbles that will only spill the INSTANT it is open? CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT IT. Oh yes, everyone CAN use more stickers in their life. (And on their coffee table.) My personal favorite? Pencils. A pencil is AMAZING. Where’s my special pencil? Where’s my Batman pencil? Where’s my Hello Kitty pencil? (Although, a pencil is a useful tool to stab my eyes out when I can't...take...it...anymore...) Honestly, I’d rather have candy because at least when they eat it...it is gone...forever. I will no longer have to move furniture around to search for that tiny compact of lip gloss because, yes, I would rather move my sofa than listen to the WHINING.
My daughter is not only obsessed with the dreaded contents of the goody bag, but the actual bag itself. The girl loves a bag. (I can’t fault her that.) Never mind that it’s a cheap plastic bag that I’ve had to tie back together after the handle broke and it’s pretty much disintegrated, She Must.Have.It. If I cannot produce it in 2.4 seconds, I will suffer the consequence of the Whine That Lasts Forever and the Snot That Flows Freely. Now, why don’t I just throw that crap away when we get home? I’m scared of my own children, okay? Who knows what they would do to me if they saw the discarded crap buried in the garbage.
My son is turning five on Saturday and I am sure his buddies will show up fully expecting a goody bag. They will not get one. They can instead decorate an ornament with all the wonderful things I just spent $45 on at Michael’s. If they are too lazy to decorate an ornament, they go home empty handed. (And, it just occurred to me...if they don’t celebrate Christmas, then I am going to look like a real asshole.) $45 seems like a lot, you say, for goody bags? Yes. Yes it does. But think of the joy I am going to bring to all those parents who will leave without a Bag of Crap. In this season of giving, I think that’s the best gift yet.