God did not bless me with “good metabolism.” He did not bless me with a “small appetite.” He gave me a dirty mind and a potty mouth and called it a day. So, although I am thankful for both of those things, (while my mother shakes her head and wonders where she went wrong) it also means that I have to get my butt to the gym in order to maintain my MILF status. Now, I don’t mind working out, although I do mind it when someone is on my treadmill and they ARE BARELY MOVING while reading a magazine.
I digress. Although my irrational love of a particular treadmill may be a fascinating topic, what I need to address is Locker Room Nudity. For those of you who are blessed with good metabolism and “never work out” but manage to stay slim and trim, you should know that first-I hate you, and second-there are two very different levels of nudity happening in a locker room: Naked and NEKKID. It is rather obvious who is playing for which team once inside the locker room, but in case you need some visuals (why not?), I’ve composed a list of observations of both Naked and NEKKID people:
-Maintain normal levels of nudity
-Get dressed in a reasonable amount of time
-Use a towel as God intended; to cover up
-Apply lotion like a normal person
-Shower with the curtain closed
-May feel uncomfortable talking to someone without being at least partially dressed
-Level of nudity that is acceptable to normal naked people while doing makeup and hair: bra and pants
-Like to think of the locker room as their own personal bedroom (You know they keep the shades up)
-Will partake in conversation with you while being butt ass NEKKID, leaving you confused and worried about where the hell you are supposed to look
-Blow dry their hair wearing only a thong, or maybe nothing at all
-Can seriously put lotion on body parts I didn’t know existed
-A towel is merely a suggestion; why not air dry?
-Shower curtain-also a suggestion. Of course we all want to watch you shower. Why wouldn’t we?
Now, gentlemen, I’m sure you are thinking that NEKKID people sound totally awesome. But please, let me gift you with another visual: Not all NEKKID people got it going on. Ohhhh....LORD....no they don’t. It’s only natural to assume that if someone has the chutzpah to strut completely naked in a room filled with other people for minutes at a time, that someone would be shaking a nice ass. Sadly, this is not always true. I do admire the confidence, I really do. (Although, I admit, it’s nice to see that almost everyone has cellulite.) And while I celebrate woman of all shapes and size, I don’t need to be so...familiar with your shape and size and all the...parts that come along with it. I understand we need to get naked in the locker room; I know I’ll flash a boob here and a butt there...but...you know, we don’t need to get excessive.
So, in closing, a simple request from a simple naked person: Bring it down a notch, NEKKID people. Bring it down.