I sat here for some time staring at a blank computer screen wondering how to start this post, which is exactly what this post is about. Where to start. How to start. Again.
For the past five years, my daily existence has been one consisting of parks, snacks, diapers, potty training, tantrums, maintaining sanity, sleep training, tantrums, bribery, board games, library trips, lots and lots and lots of walks, and the occasional tantrum. And while it’s been hard and lonely at times, it has mostly been wonderful and I feel so grateful that I have had this time with my children. While my kids are still young, in just a couple of short years they will both be at school full time and that forces me to wonder...what’s next? Where do I go from here? It’s not Tennis Club, that I can assure you.
I met Husband when I was 22. I married him when I was 24. He knocked me up when I was 25 and at 26 I was a first time mother, overjoyed with this new person in my life, but at the same time wondering what happened to my Other Life; the life I was hoping to create when at 18 I moved to New York City to study theatre. A life I continued to create when I moved to LA at 21. Along the way I worked the usual round up of restaurants, coffee shops, theaters, the random office gig, usually two or three jobs at once to scrape by, while I hit up acting classes and auditions. (And it really was fabulous, by the way. If you’ve never been young and broke in New York City...you kinda missed out.) And then suddenly, I had this new life-a life that surprised everyone, including myself. But I dug in and devoted myself to Husband and my son and then my daughter and each day I feel a little bit bad about the things Husband has missed-those moments that only I was the lucky witness. (I also kind of hate him for...other... things he misses. Let’s keep it real.)
So now I’m left with this question: what do I go back to? While many twenty-somethings use that time in life to figure out a career, I was figuring out a family and now all I feel is anxiety about getting a job-not because I don’t want one (I mean, just not wearing flip-flops every day is enough to tempt me) but because I’m so unsure of what it is I could do. I’d be happy to wait tables a few nights a week, but that’s not really a long-term solution. Even Husband knows how miserable He and I would both be if I got a job answering phones. I feel like there is still life in my dreams but that’s a difficult road to climb again. What do you do with a resume that has a 5 year hole in it? What do you do with a resume that says you studied theatre for God’s sake? There are insecurities happening here, people and it’s intimidating to think about going back to a world that, while you were home raising babies, was progressing without you. Friends get promoted, technology seems scary, and the only skills you feel you possess can get you a job...watching children.
I know I will figure it out; I have usually managed to figure most things out eventually. I mean-come on-my kids were on a sleep schedule by the time they were four months old so I can do anything. And who knows-maybe there is something new out there waiting for me. Maybe there IS a job description on Craigslist that says Wanted: A Stay at Home Mom Hoping to Make Some Money Who Studied Theatre. (Actually...come to think of it...there probably is a listing like that on Craigslist but maybe not under the...category I’m looking for...). My hope is that the next five years will be spent working on my dreams again...however it is that they may have shifted and rearranged themselves. Some dreams don’t die for a reason. You never know....maybe in the next five years this Gelato Mama will be the one bringing home the bucks while Husband stays at home with the children. I just might have to have another baby in order for him to fully experience the good life...(Don’t be scared, honey...just think of all that SEX that comes along with procreation...)