What did those kids do to that nice lady?

Thursday, February 6, 2014


One thing you know for sure before you have a baby...one thing that is and always will be THE TRUTH, is that you will be tired.  In the beginning, it’s that ‘What the Hell Happened to My Life and Why is He Crying Again’ kind of tired.   1AM feeding?  Doable. 4AM feeding?  That one hurts.  But even during those 4AM feedings, after being sprung awake and falling out of bed and stumbling down the hallway in darkness, I had nothing but coos and ahhs and songs and kisses and hugs and a gentle rock to put the babe back to sleep.  It was lovely torture to be so tired.  And as I would quietly walk back down the hallway to my bed, it seemed my eyes would barely be closed and I would be asleep myself, knowing in 3 hours, the wake up call would be the same.

But 7 years and two kids later, Mama ain’t so nice anymore at 4AM.

While I have survived or just blacked out many Phases of Bedtime Battles, I am now much more unwilling to be a loving, caring Mother at 4AM.  These Phases include, but are not limited too:

*Son’s Night Terror Phase
*Son’s ‘I must eat 5 grapes before I go to bed or I will make your life a living hell’ Phase
*’Every single light in the house must be on all night’ Phase
*Daughters ‘5AM is when I want to start my day, okay?' Phase

While in these Phases, they seem inescapable; like for the REST of your LIFE one child will wake up trembling from a night terror while grape juice is sliding off his chin and the other is yelling at you in the middle of the night “WHY DID YOU TURN THE HALL LIGHT OFF?” and just when you doze off to sleep, somebody’s internal clock from hell rings at 5 am and it’s time to be a Parent.

But...as a Phase implies, it passes, and soon enough bedtime is predictable, and for the most part, everyone can put their heads on their pillows with the expectation that it will be a civilized 7 AM before we all see each other again.  

But there are always exceptions.  Oh YES, there are exceptions.  

And these exceptions...let’s just say they are not always a welcome break from my ever-increasing struggle to Sleep Normally.  

These Exceptions include but are not limited too:

*Extreme dehydration at 2 AM followed by IMMEDIATE need for fresh water
*Daughters inability to cover her own head with her own sheet and the need for IMMEDIATE assistance 
*Crippling leg pain.  Or thumb pain.  Or left big toe pain.  Or elbow pain.  Band aid needed IMMEDIATELY.  Yes.  Band aids apparently cure crippling leg pain at 3AM.
*Inexplicable concept that ice melts.  Ice cubes needed in cup IMMEDIATELY.  

Whenever these Exceptions occur, the following usually happens:

I JOLT upright,  confused and sleepy, practically breaking my leg as I tumble out of bed to get to the Children’s shared room before ONE wakes up the OTHER ONE and then I slowly begin to realize that I have been awoken from slumber because Ice. Melted.  Instead of reacting with gentle love, it’s much more likely that I don’t speak for fear of saying something that would sound really mean, laced with four letter words, so instead I just take the damn cup and put some damn ice in it and try not to throw it back in their bed and then I say I love you! in this weird voice that’s implying that maybe love isn’t what I’m necessarily feeling at the moment and then I shut the door and mumble all those four letter words I was just keeping on the inside moments ago under my breath because I know it’s going to be very hard for me to get back to sleep because apparently as you get older, sleeping soundly is like this elusive mystery, so NOW I don’t get to sleep for the REST of the DAMN night because SOMEONE CAN’T DRINK ROOM TEMPERATURE WATER AT 2 AM?  WHERE DID I GO WRONG?

But I will at least attempt to put myself back to sleep and as I crawl back into bed, Husband mumbles something to the effect of “Everything okay?”, I think, oh yes.  Everything’s great.  I’m going to go ahead and pick up that copy of War and Peace I’ve been meaning to tackle because ICE CUBES have now prevented me from sleeping for at least two more hours.  And there I will lie, trying my hardest to think lovely thoughts to put me back to sleep...and I get so close...it’s like sleep is just tempting me...letting me fall into it’s fluffy little pillow...and then I...hear...it.  That sound.

You know that sound.
That loud breathing sound that turns into that loud snoring sound.  
That sound that makes you seethe with anger.
That sound that makes you shove your Spouse perhaps a liiitttlllee to rough to get him to roll over. 
That sound that makes you want to sit up and shout-OKAY!  I GET it!  You’re SLEEPING.  And I’m NOT.  You are SO GOOD at sleeping!   ANY CHANCE YOU COULD DO IT SILENTLY?  



Turns out, 4AM is a great time to binge watch Orange is the New Black.
Now those ladies have real problems.

Happy Sleeping.  It’s nice work if you can get it.

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