Alpha Mom

People, in general, frighten me. I will break out in a mini sweat when left in charge of phoning in the pizza order.  (Mmmm....pizza.)  If I am in an environment where I know very few, if any, people, I do not have the desire to get to know them; I have the desire to retreat to the corner or leave.  This doesn’t always thrill Husband, an Extrovert who Likes Talking to Strangers.  For his sake, I will sometimes turn on the charm and be lovely and hilarious, but I do not like it.  In fact, this can backfire because the more uncomfortable I am, the more...inappropriate I tend to get.  I don’t mean to be raunchy and use language better left to truckers...I just can’t help it.  It’s my only defense amongst people who always want to know, So, what do YOU do?  (World’s most annoying question?)  But I have found that the most terrifying, the most intimidating, the most alarming group of people happen to be my own people: Mothers.  More specifically; The Alpha Mom.

The Alpha Mom will make you feel inadequate in approximately 2.5 seconds.  She is Room Mom.  She makes special cookies on every holiday.  She drives a Very Large Vehicle in which she carpools.  Her kids are enrolled in the proper sports at the proper time and her Husband coaches the team.  She’s crafty.  Alpha Mom has an answer for all your questions; she would be happy to discuss it while volunteering at her child’s school.  She has a personal relationship with all teachers.  Her kids eat well-balanced meals and snack at 10 and 2 each day.  She knows the sugar and fiber content of each item on the grocery shelf.  She’s vegan on Tuesdays and gluten-free on Thursdays and that one glass of wine she has each night makes her a little tipsy.  She makes her own baby food, even though baby food is conveniently sold in tiny jars.  But she will insist-Why should I buy it when it’s soooo easy to make? Alpha Moms like to huddle together, wearing a combination of expensive work out clothes and Prada handbags, discussing who’s playdating at who’s today.  While passing a group of Alpha Moms, I will look to the side, hoping they don't notice me noticing them and then I will feel fat.  Because that's where I go.  (Totally healthy.)

Now, I know Alpha Moms love their kids and are Good and Decent People.  I know they are doing their best and I’m sure they question each decision made and wonder if it was the right one.  Being a mom, even a lazy one, is hard, unappreciated work.  But seriously, ladies; would it kill you to bring it down a notch?  I mean, I know those sliding doors on that minivan must be pretty awesome, but let’s not pretend that you love driving it.  See, we (“we” being parents of children) know the Truth.  We know you’re faking it till you’re making it because that’s WHAT WE ARE ALL DOING; you simply operate at a superior level.  We all know that any decision we make has the possibility of driving our children to therapy to lament about how embarrassing their parents were.  (Side-note: one day when our children are parents, they will realize that embarrassing your children is all part of the fun and one of the only things that will perhaps keep them sane while child rearing.)

So, please, stop making the rest of us look like lazy idiots.  Because we’re not; we’re just not as...ambitious.  We simply want to dress up like a dinosaur for Halloween because our kids asked us to, let them eat 14 pieces of trick or treat candy right before bedtime and then eat the rest of it by ourselves while watching The Real Housewives of Anywhere. Please, join us.  It’s not so bad, I promise.  But-could you maybe pick up my kid from school today?  I know you have that extra booster seat in your car “just in case” and I’m feeling a bit...lazy.