You know what I’m looking forward to? The day my son can walk into a public restroom, use the facilities efficiently, and walk out again, all by himself. No announcement made, no need to drag the whole family along, no need for me to...wipe...anything. Just a normal trip to the bathroom. This is the conversation I am thinking I probably won’t miss having:
You have to go? Seriously? Didn’t you JUST go? Can you wait until we get home? Please? You can hold your poop for a WEEK but you can’t hold it for 30 more minutes? Okay. Fine. Let’s go. Don’t touch that. Gross. No no no no no...don’t TOUCH that! Oh, God. Disgusting. Okay. No, please, keep your shoes on. Why do you have to take your shoes off? Why are you taking your pants completely off? Leave them on. Just put them around your ankles! Oh, God, please don’t step on this floor. Why? BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO SHOES ON! Point it down. Point it down, please. POINT IT DOWN. Are you done? Okay. You can wipe. Do it yourself! You’re almost five years old. Okay, I’ll check. Looks good. Put your pants on. Don’t step the ground! Put your shoes on first! Flush. Don’t...touch the seat. Disgusting. Okay, wash your hands. Soap. Soap. Soap. Okay, here’s a towel. Sorry. Fine. Get it yourself. Okay, are you better? Okay. Let’s go.
“Point it down” is a phrase I would say I use...frequently. I hate to nag him about it, but, seriously, point it down, dude. I have cleaned up more urine in my life than I care to think about and each time I’m wiping it up I just think...urine is sterile urine is sterile urine is sterile. Whenever my son walks into the bathroom at home I call out the catchphrase and he always replies I KNOW, Mom! And then, inevitably, one minute later I hear, uh oh, the door slam shut, and I know he is in there using insane amounts of toilet paper to try to wipe up the pee. I try not to get mad at him, just close my eyes, grab a rag, get to work and calmly remind him to Please.Point.It.Down.
I know one day I will miss the way my kids rely on me now, but some days...I just really look forward to the little things, like my children going to the bathroom all by themselves. It’s amazing how these little steps towards independence can make a mother cry with both relief and sadness. But, really, who am I kidding? I will be wiping pee up for the rest of my life. That large opening in the toilet is merely a...suggestion. For boys of all ages.