What did those kids do to that nice lady?

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Gelato Rules

There are a few women in my life who are about to become mom’s for the first time.  Let me be the first to say Congratulations! Newborns are so lovely and awesome.  The second time around.  The first time around they are strange little humans who control every second of your day and you will be left sitting on your sofa, in a breast-milk soaked shirt, watching Husband go to work, cursing him and how lucky he is to leave and talk to Other Humans and eat lunch.  I had no idea what I was getting into and quickly realized that being a mother is not all rainbows and unicorns.  It is hard.  Below I have composed a list of totally unsolicited advice that may or may not be helpful.  Good luck and Godspeed, ladies.  (Remember-its gets easier.  And way way harder.)
A few Gelato rules of motherhood:
People will constantly be offering you unsolicited advice.  Some of it is terrible.  Like the time that women in Starbucks told me my baby was going to die because I covered the stroller with a blanket.  Some of it is awesome, like all of my advice.
In the beginning, your boobs no longer belong to you.  They belong to your Baby. Husband will be tempted by large swollen breasts.  If he persists, kick him in the balls every three hours and ask him if that feels good.
It is okay to admit defeat, lock yourself out on the porch and cry.  But only for 5 minutes.
You may flip your children off, but only behind their backs.
Do not brag about how your children don’t watch TV.  It’s annoying and nobody believes you anyway.
Happy Hour starts at 4 p.m. and is mandatory.   
Always peek at your children before you go to bed.  They will never look more innocent and lovely as when they are sleeping.  (As a bonus, you will forget momentarily the meltdown over the seemingly insignificant piece of cheap, plastic crap that they MUST HAVE or THEY WILL NOT SURVIVE.)
It’s not really the worst thing to let them jump on the bed.  
Sometimes, they are the boss of you.  Own it.
You will feel guilty pretty much most of the time about something you are doing or not doing.  This is why it is okay to pull the childbirth card at any time no matter the reason for the rest of your life.  
Remember, you now belong to a club.  People do not understand this club until they join it.  Kind of like people with dogs.  I don’t get that club and can’t and don’t need to relate to it.  Kids crying at restaurants or throwing tantrums at the airport no longer bother you because you are just happy that it’s not you in that moment.   It’s a lifelong membership and sometimes that feels overwhelming.  But most of the time, it just feels lucky.  Really, really lucky.


  1. Oh my gosh, this is hysterical. I'm forwarding this post to every first-time mom I know. =)