My children have been excited about Halloween since last Halloween. My son is going to be Buzz and my daughter is going to be Jessie; they have requested that I be Rex, the dinosaur and that Husband be Woody. First of all, dinosaur? Really? And second, how come Daddy gets to be the hero and I get to be the stupid dinosaur? I told the short people that there was a veeerrrryyyy slim chance of me being a dinosaur, but I would look into it. The other day, I had some time to kill in between my daughter’s haircut and her dance class (I’m very busy and important) so we strolled the aisles of the temporary Halloween store together and I very soon regretted this decision to bring her into the world of Let’s All Be Sluts!
She was, as expected, very curious about the...costumes. What’s this, Mama? Oh...that’s a...nurse. And that’s a...doctor? This one is some sort of...librarian? Yes, honey. Yes...they all wear fishnets. I know! That’s so funny, isn’t it? Oh, oh...Um, this one? This one is a cowgirl. Yes, some sort of cowgirl. Awfully hard to ride a horse with that on I would think. Hm. No no no no, Mommy is not going to be that...genie. Or that...police officer who must be undercover by trying to blend in with the prostitutes. Oh, no, those are NOT princesses. (Note to self: show daughter picture of Kate Middleton when we get home.) Maybe Mama should be a cat. A very docile cat. With a whip? Maybe not a cat. Oh, here’s an M&M! A very short, tight, green M&M. YOU CAN MAKE CANDY SLUTTY? GOOD GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD? That’s it; we’re heading to the men’s costumes. Oh, look! A fireman that looks like AN ACTUAL FIREMAN. And a doctor who doesn’t look like he just breezed in from a soft core porn set. A pirate with pants! Pants! A costume with pants! Amazing! And here’s a jailbird costume that covers THE ENITRE BODY. So, in real jail, the women really wear a miniskirt jailbird outfit? Only the male jailbirds get to wear pants? That hardly seems fair. You know, ladies get cold, too. Wait...that explains the fishnets! When the ladies get cold in prison...they just slip on the fishnets. Of course! Mommy is so silly sometimes. I also did not know that one can wear such high heels in prison. Or a boa. Wonderful.
So what does one wear whilst trick or treating with the tots? Certainly it would be inappropriate to bust out that French Maid outfit, although the feather duster that comes with it seems rather handy. I guess I could go Flapper, but I think I lack the stamina it would take to explain what a Flapper is to very curious short people. And really, trick or treating in heels seems...somewhat inefficient. I hate to not dress up at all; part of the fun of being a parent is that you get to be a kid again. So, I guess what I’m getting at is...does anyone know where I can get a good dinosaur costume?