Dinnertime. The very word sends chills down my spine. Dinnertime may as well be called “time to be an asshole” because that is what my 4 year old turns into when it comes to food. I’m not sure what I did to deserve the wrath he puts upon me when it comes to eating, but it must have been bad. Real real bad. I know I was a bit stubborn about food when I was a kid and one day when I called my mom begging for her forgiveness for most likely being an asshole at dinnertime, she said-oh, you weren’t THAT picky. Jesus, Kid, not even GRANDMA is taking your side here. YOU HAVE ENTERED UNKNOWN TERRITORY. Instead of his habits getting better, they are getting worse. Oh, you don’t like corn-dogs anymore? No more mac-n-cheese? (Seriously...won’t eat mac-n-cheese? I would give my left arm to eat that every day and not gain an ounce.) Not to mention that he will put disgusting, germ ridden objects into his mouth at any moment, but a hamburger is a no-can-do.
Here, a list of things He will eat:
Pizza (cheese only, and please-no blood on my pizza, Mom)
(Yes, these are all the same foods in different form.)
Spaghetti (Don’t ever tell him there is olive oil on it...and cheese.)
Peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Things He will not eat:
I sit and stare in amazement at Children Who Eat. Did he just eat...a vegetable? Did she just have a bite of chicken that is not breaded and shaped like a dinosaur? I was at a birthday party the other day and a three year old was EATING SALAD. HOLY FUCK WHERE DID I GO WRONG?
I am trying to get Him to eat more things...I am more willing to make something new and tell him to eat or starve. He usually chooses starvation. I have mentioned before that I would like to hook him up to a feeding tube two times a day and be done with it and people laugh at me...like I’m making a joke? I am dead serious. Why should I be bothered to make Real Food if you are just going to collapse in a boneless heap on the floor when it comes time to sit and eat?
My only solace that I am not a Total and Complete Failure at Feeding my Kids is that my daughter will eat without negotiating a verbal contract about what she will get if she just so happens to choose to take a bite. I can’t help but favor her juuussst a tad while she is eating asparagus or stealing the quinoa off my plate. But some days, I can’t help but think that maybe my son has it all figured out...after all, the kid lives off of pizza. Who’s fooling who here?