When I started dating Husband all those years ago, his first order of business was to brainwash me into becoming a UCLA Bruin fan. Now, me being somewhat of a sports fan, this wasn’t too difficult to do; also, the fact that I have a hard time losing to my four year old son at Go Fish might suggest I have a bit of a...competitive...streak. First and foremost, I am a Nice Girl From the Midwest. My heart will always remain to the Hawks and the Cubbies, but it is big enough to allow for the love of other’s beloved teams. I was HAPPY to put on a blue shirt, bust out a couple eight claps, hate the Trojans, (not hard to do) and take long walks on the UCLA campus as Husband recited soliquies about Days Past as Stupid Frat Boy. (Side note; when I was 13 my family vacationed in SoCal and took a drive around UCLA campus. Husband would have been college freshman. The joke goes, I saw a young man barfing in the bushes and thought to myself...THAT’S the man I’m going to marry one day!) (Side side note-yes, he’s that old. And I’m that young.) Point is, I took my role as Bruin Fan very seriously. The first year of my fandom, we went 10-2. I like to think of this as my courtship with the Bruins. They held the door open, nobody scratched their balls in front of me, we held hands. It was all very sweet and full of victory. Eight seasons later, the Bruins seem to think they can take a huge shit right in front of me with the door open and STILL expect me to go to bed with them. You know what, Bruins? I am Seriously. Over. Losing. I deserve better than this. I didn’t even GO to UCLA and I had a mad affair with you and now I think you should get your ass to the gym and WORK OUT because otherwise, Gelato Mama may be on the market for a new team. I can’t cheer for my alma mater because I went to New York and studied ACTING FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! We didn’t play football! We ACTED like we were playing football. And we could maybe kick your ass. Now, I am more than happy to continue taking my kids to the Rose Bowl, buying them frozen lemonades and football jerseys, but only if you get it together so they know what it feels like to cheer for a winning football team. I will not set them up to live a life of frustration and close calls. You may not miss field goals. You may not blow a turnover. You may not get injured in the first quarter of the first game of the season.
So, to summarize, I’m going to need you to get your shit together. Other teams are...flirting. I’m thinking the Hawks could have my full devotion. I’m thinking Boise State was looking pretty good. I’m thinking I could cheer for Oklahoma just to piss off my sister-in-law. I’m thinking I have LOTS of OPTIONS. Now, I will be at the Rose Bowl this Saturday tailgating, drinking beer, playing catch with the kiddos. I will stand and cheer for you. I will eight clap the hell out that place. But you better bring it. Cuz Mama’s hands are getting tired.